Beloved Ghost

Counting my blessings

On this golden Fall day

I bump into many shoulders padded for collision

I seek out fleeting encounters

And greet you

Touching warm brick

Slowly dying flowers gliding through my fingers

The wind striking the leaves in a particular way

The air vibrating as if in a song

I listen to you

Looking at babies

Chasing after their smiles like tiny lemon cream coloured butterflies

Doomed to die with the last breath of this golden Fall

I catch them one by one

And smile at you

Hurrying along

I see the lights turning red one after the other

Exhausting every opportunity for a shortcut

So I stop on each corner

And wait for you

Beloved ghost.

Because you are a ray of light breaking on the surface of my dirty glasses which makes everything around me appear in a nacre shimmer so that I have to take them off and see nothing for a second and feel disabled and so I try to rub it all off in order to see clear and then the world looks less pretty and it makes me sad beloved ghost because you are that special moment every day during that first sip of coffee and in the sound of a series of certain chords strung in one of those many songs echoing in my head and you linger in that subtle odour streaming into my nostrils which stuns me for a second and I need it to stay so I hold my breath and then I wish I would just suffocate to the devastating melody of how to disappear completely and feel so fucking lame beloved ghost because your unreal love fills me with all its nothingness in intangible ways and because you are unsubstantial and there is no formula for you and you exist only in a dream of an idea of an ideal that has so much meaning that reality becomes meaningless while I un-become and disperse into little particles carried by this unbearably pleasant warm breeze on this golden Fall day beloved ghost I greet you in every corner of the theatre that is my mind and from the surface of my sheets under which you hide and when I close my eyes at night I imagine it is us listening to each other breathing and in anticipation awaiting the next day that is probably our last because we love songs of goodbyes but now it seems like you have decided to stay forever and I have decided to bury not you but the key to this messy chamber that you settled in and they say “open your heart and mind” and whatnot but I will lock you inside of me to suffocate once and for all and forever and you were always there and never here and you cannot even tell me that I just got it all wrong.

 Copyright © 2013 Julia Milz